y’all, i don’t think i’m qualified

If you have known me for more than ten years or if you have read the majority of my blog posts, you know that I have a background in clinical research. About 11 years ago, when I left my last role in that profession, I posted my resumé online because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to move on or go back. Obvi, if you know me now, you know that I opted to move on (since I’m a realtor and all). For shits and giggles, I never pulled my resumé down. If you’re searching for a job, I highly recommend Phil at Zip Recruiter. He’s the bomb, y’all. Hell, he even has commercials on TV now so he must be good at his job. Below are some of the positions he has sent me:

RN: as stated in my post “i getta say, y’all”, I am not a nurse and have spent countless hours trying to explain that to many, many people over the years. That being said, Phil, I shouldn’t need to explain this to you. While I do possess many skills used by RNs/MAs on the daily (EKG, blood draw, vital signs, medication dispensation, pulmonary function testing, skin prick testing, etc) I am not now nor have I ever been a licensed nurse. Y’all, could you imagine? My bedside manner would get me fired on the first day. “No, I will not get you something for pain. Suck it up, buttercup.” “Sorry it took me so long to get her after you hit the call button. I didn’t feel like having to deal with you again.”

OBGYN: there is only one explanation for this: I started out in OB/GYN clinical research. Outside of that, I’ve been pregnant twice and birthed two children. Barring that, I’m not qualified. Could you imagine me delivering a baby? “Look, bitch. I’m gonna need less whining and more pushing. I’ve got a vodka tonic waiting on me at home. Let’s get this shit done already.”

Lube Technician at Valvoline: now, y’all. There is not a single word on my resumé that can tie me to this job. While I can say that I likely know more about cars than most women (feel free to challenge me on this), I’ve zero desire to work under them. My nails have shellac on them. I can’t imagine that that would be a good combination. It’s a “no” from me, Phil.

Customer Service Representative: this one is just funny af. Could y’all imagine *me* taking complaint phone calls? “oh, you wanna speak to a manager? Bitch, I am the manager. Now what?” “oh, you want your money back? Yeah. We don’t do that here.” “This ain’t the damn Walmart. We ain’t taking a return that you bought somewhere else two years ago. Get the hell up outta here.” “You’ve called a wrong number. Try calling 1-800 I don’t give a shit you asswipe.”

Pharmacist/Pharmacy Tech: I likely have something about drug dispensation on my resumé since it naturally goes hand-in-hand with clinical research. But, ooh, Lordt. A pharmacist? Now, that is a job that I could get myself in line with. “yes, ma’am. I understand that your doctor wrote a prescription for 14 Xanax but I had to keep 2 for myself because I have to deal with your ignorant ass. Do you know when he will be phoning in your refill?” Good call, Phil. Good call.

Engineer: other than the facts that I can do a decent amount of math in my head, write print in all caps at a pretty quick speed, and understand my fair share of science, I ain’t no engineer, y’all. I interned for engineers (hence, the ability to print in all caps) at oil refineries after high school and through college. Here’s the fun part: that shit ain’t on my resumé. What’s your thought process here, Phil? How did you even know this about me? #stalkermuch

Financial Planner/Banking Portfolio Manager: baahahaha! Coty doesn’t let me pay the bills. Hell, he barely lets me have online access to the accounts. I have instructions on which credit/banks cards to use and where. “We use this card for fuel and groceries. We use this card for this and this card for that.” Y’all. I screw that shit up all the damn time. I mean, shit. Just let me live my life.

Java Developer: here’s what I know about Java: it’s a type of programming language and a slang word for coffee. I highly doubt that makes me qualified to be a developer, Phil. Something tells me that is not what the company is looking for. I could be wrong. Just a guess.

Fraud Support: the only fraud committed around here has been done by Phil. His emails to me start with “Susan, I think you’ll be a good fit for…” What the actual fuck? Or “Susan, are you interested in…” No, Phil, I’m not interested in a job that I ain’t fucking qualified to do. Thanks, though. #asshat “Susan, I’ve been keeping an eye out for jobs you might be interested in, and guess what? I found some that look similar to…” Phil, you’re meant to “keep an eye out” not take your eyes out? Idiot. Make an appointment with an ophthalmologist quick. You’re obvi past due. But, my all-time favorite is “Hi Susan. I bet you’re wondering how I spend my days. Well, mostly, I’m here scouring the internet to match you with opportunities that fit your skills and experience – and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Today, I came across a NEW job post that seems to align with your resume and I wanted to get it in front of you ASAP. That way, if you’re interested, you can get a jumpstart on the competition.” The job? Coding Specialist: As in, ICD-9 or ICD-10 or ICD-11 or wherever they are at nowadays with that shit. Another perfect match, Phil! I mean, I don’t have a background in coding or a coding certification; so there’s that…

Teacher: I honestly don’t know why more teachers aren’t on the 5 o’clock news (and, yes, I realize there’s a double negative in that sentence; bite me). I mean, honestly. I couldn’t do what these *warriors/super heroes* do on the daily. If some little fucker talked back to me to me the way these kids talk to teachers, I’d lose my shit. I’ve heard stories from my girls. Y’all. No way. I’d be drinking on the job and warming some asses with a homemade paddle that I’d carved and chiseled myself! My last position in clinical research was at the director level so there was *some* training involved. To say that it was one of my least favorite tasks is an understatement. “Look, I’m gonna show you one fucking time. Write this shit down. Take some damn photos. Whatever you need because I ain’t gonna show or tell you again. You had best make friends with someone else here (because I’ve no desire to be your friend). Your coworkers/friends will be your lifeline when you have questions or need help. I ain’t it. PS – I’m anal af. I hope you have good communication and grammar skills. Otherwise, you had better take a class because I will fire your ass for sending out shit from *my* office that is worded poorly and/or incorrectly. Use the comic sans font one time. Try me. I mother fucking dare you. But, hey – my door is always open!” If you need more information on my teaching skills, please refer back to “y’all, i’m not cut out for teaching.” And, yes – I know that I write like you would speak when I blog. I am also a member of the #grammarpolice. Leave it alone.

Nurse Anesthetist: if I had stuck with my original educational plan, I think I may have landed here. I mean, medicine is probably not the best career choice for someone that doesn’t like people. However, putting people to sleep seems like a good match. But, alas, I’m not qualified for this position, either. For fuck’s sake, Phil.

Helicopter Pilot: here’s what I can tell you about flying: I know this difference between visual flight rules vs. instrument flight rules. I know to say “clear of the prop” out of the left side window before starting the engine. I know the difference between runways 1 3 vs. 3 1. I know how to adjust the flaps and the rudder. I know how to steer left and right via the pedals and I know how to apply the brake. I know the purpose of the yoke and how to adjust the RPMs. I can communicate with the tower (and not just “mayday, mayday”) using the aviation alphabet. I also know that not one word of that shit is on my resumé. Plus, NOT ONE WORD of that shit deals with helicopters – it’s all about flying a single engine plane. There’s a slight difference between the two, Phil – you stupid asshat. I’m not licensed to fly either of them. But, if you ever die while we are together in a single engine aircraft, I can get us down safely. Plus, I’ll be at your funeral to tell the story. Lemme know if you have any song requests. K? #imlikelytoplayaU2song #imnotforeveryoneyall