y’all, i am not cut out for teaching

Week one of #projecthomeschool is officially in the books and the second begun. For my students, I am concerned. At our current pace, my girls will go from Class of 2021 and 2024 to 2022 and 2025, respectively. Most days, they sleep until noon and drag themselves down the stairs around 2 PM, demanding “breakfast”. Since we don’t have a cafeteria here, they’re directed to the pantry. They are never greeted by a loving, smiling teacher that offers a hug or high-five but rather a cranky Karen. There’s never a “how can I help with your school work” but instead a “did you bitches get your shit done?” There are no schedules, cute phrases, or motivational posters on my walls. We don’t have school colors or a fuzzy mascot. My classroom isn’t warm nor is it inviting (it’s my breakfast room, y’all!). There’s no behavior chart and no treasure chest. Here, misbehaved students get spanked. I expect that the principal will terminate me before the end of the week. So be it.

To recap the rest of my week…

For Christmas, Meredith asked for a treadmill. Now, for those of you that only know my children virtually, Meredith is my 90 (yes, nine zero) lb. fourteen year old. We work towards weight gain for her, not weight loss! Needless to say, we laughed at her request; but, she persisted. So, after Christmas, we cleared a space in our crap – err – guest room and pooled our cash gifts and bought an elliptical machine. I *may* have dragged my feet with “research” (mostly in the name of “it’s new year’s so let’s get in shape” sale prices) but we did finally place order and the machine did finally arrive. The delivery man struggled to get the box off of his truck and into our garage. On the outside of the box, the description read, “247 lbs, total weight”. WTAF? Coty was at work so the carton sat in our garage accordingly. That evening, Coty unpacked the box and made a plan for the three of us (me, him, and Mals) to carry that goddam thing up the stairs. After I heard his plan, I informed him that he was an idiot and his plan was a bad idea. Two days later, the machine was still sitting at the base of our stairs. For anyone close to me or to Coty, you know he has terrible OCD. So, by Friday evening, he lost his shit because the elliptical was still sitting in our foyer. Stupidly, I agreed to his plan. Picture it: me and Mals, *sharing* a stair, her counting each one to the rhythm of “heave, hoe”, trying not to laugh (or pee) and, 16 steps later, the machine was at the top of the stairs. Now, y’all know I am *never* wrong. Sadly, this scenario was no different: 72 hours later, Coty is stillll hearing about my poor strained upper back. I *am* the new Hunchback of Notre Dame. And, no, I haven’t been on the machine. #heowesme #bigtime

On Saturday, I decided that I’d had my fill of the never-ending Spring Break 2020; even introverts need the occasional break. I shaved my legs, showered, applied a full face of makeup, did my hair, and got dressed up (by dressed up, I mean denim capri pants and a CAbi shirt). I got in the car and drove all the way to the drive-thru pharmacy. After that, I hit not one but TWO grocery stores. #iamarebel Here’s what I discovered:

  • people are still hoarding toilet paper. WTAF? Those of us with IBS, I say “nay nay” #ripjohnpinette Remember, y’all; karma is a big ol fat bitch.
  • canned goods are cleared out but produce are available. Y’all do realize the amount of sodium in the canned shit, right? #moreproduceforme
  • coughing, even one caused by SAR2020 – not COVID-2019, parts the seas of people. It’s straight up comical. My favorite sinus infection ever!
  • who decided that it was a good idea to hoard dairy? Y’all do know that shit expires, right? Give me back my coffee creamer and no one gets hurt. Well, not today, anyways.
  • cleaning supplies are gone. WTF are y’all cleaning? Please say that you’re donating to clinics and hospitals! For those of you that decided to disinfect your home from a virus that never crossed the front door threshold, you’re a fucking idiot. Please leave enough product for those of us that clean regularly and need to replenish our supplies.
  • people are actually doing puzzles and so stores are selling out. I’m starting to think that puzzle makers may be behind COVID-19! Stupidly, I bought a 2,000 piece puzzle. I sifted through all of the pieces. Twice. And, my frame is still missing 3 pieces. Too ambitious, perhaps? I don’t remember the last time I purchased a puzzle or the last $15 purchase I regretted.
  • i sent Coty to the liquor store. Again. For the third time this week, he stocked up for the next two weeks.

I’m working on my lesson plans for the week. In economics, we will learn “how to NOT blow Daddy’s entire paycheck in a single day with online purchases”. In honor of COVID-19, we will discuss the “importance of not carrying or using cash”. Eww. We may cross this lesson into science with a “how to douse your cash in Lysol and why it’s necessary”. In English, we will continue our lessons in sarcasm and test over the proper use of cuss words. #sarcasmisitsownlanguage #imbilingualyall For math, we will count the number of cuss words per sentence. For fine arts, an award will be given for creativity and best use of cuss words. #priorities In culinary, our focus will be “how to make ramen noodles and pizza rolls”. We will also learn “how to effectively brown a PopTart and an Eggo without burning them”. Is it inappropriate to teach them the ratio at which I like my vodka tonic? Let’s face it, if I was a sub, I would’ve already rolled in the projector-on-a-cart and started a film. #imnotforeveryoneyall

4 thoughts on “y’all, i am not cut out for teaching

  1. Michelle Muehe

    So glad you started this blog! I LOVE IT! Thanks for a good laugh! I will be re-reading as needed!

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