For those of you that have been waiting to hear a review from your #sisterinsarcasm, here it is. Oh, and be warned, I use foul language. I was raised by a sailor and Scot so really didn’t stand a chance. ??♀️ I’ll try to be better. #notreally
We arrived at the Gates of Hell – err – WDW early (think 2 AM early) on July 4th. We opted to stay a single night at Disney’s Coronado Springs because I’m cheap. Big mistake; HUGE. When I say that it was 10K steps from the check-in desk to our room, I’m not exaggerating. Per the attendant, “just cross the bridge over to your building”. Bitch, please. That bridge was longer than the bridges over the swamps in Louisiana! Keep in mind, there was no bell service at that hour so we were toting our just-under-the-50lb-limit-so-we-don’t-get-charged-extra suitcases and our carry-ons. And, keep in mind that my DH walks like he’s dodging rain drops so my view is always of my family’s backsides. I may have used a few not-so-magical words during this stroll. Enter dirty looks and “Mom, don’t cuss at Disney” from the fam. It was almost 3:30 AM, before we got into our room, found bottled water, showered, and in bed. My cheap ass learned a lesson: pay the extra to stay at the Deluxe Resort the first night. The refurbished room was lovely, BTW. Best shower at a Disney resort property, so far.
Coty doesn’t allow sleeping-in during vacation; so, we were up and out before 10 A. #shootmenow Those that know him, know that Coty has a yogurt for breakfast and a cheese stick for lunch. The rest of us aren’t allowed time to eat, “no time for breakfast; we’ll get lunch in the park”. ? Those that know me, know that I get crabbiER when I’m not fed on a regular schedule. I heart my husband but often wonder how we’ve survived this maddening combination.
During this trip, Coty discovered Lyft. We paid a premium rate to stay at a “Deluxe Resort” on the monorail yet found ourselves using more Lyft than the free (and by “free”, I mean included in the jacked up price of the deluxe resort) transportation. Hey, I know: let’s pay more to stay here so we can pay more for transportation. Makes perfect sense. ?
Main Street USA smells and looks the same; like coming home. However, this time, it is *beyond* crowded with smelly people, asshats on scooters, and a shit ton of desperate-looking parents pushing double strollers all running into the guests in front of them. I saw multiple moms with the “why did I sign up for this shit?” or “where’s my vodka tonic?” expression on their face. [If you don’t do crowds, don’t do WDW on July 4th]. At one point, Coty and I nearly flipped the power switch on the back of one bastard’s scooter because he kept honking at people. Like WTAF, dude? We’re all jammed in here like sardines in a can; your scooter doesn’t allow you access to some special, nonexistent fast lane! I told more than one crying baby, “I feel your pain, kid”. #same Magic Kingdom needs more alcohol. That is all.
It’s our tradition to dine at Crystal Palace our first night at WDW. This is not my pick. Meredith’s favorite has always been Pooh so we suck it up for her sake. I must say that the costumes of Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore are looking dingier than I’ve ever seen and could use a good cleaning. Like, don’t put them in a front load washer or send them to the dry-cleaners, they need to be fully submerged in a mixture of bleach, water, ammonia, vinegar, and whatever other cleaning agent you have under your kitchen sink! Can you imagine the cesspool of bacteria on those costumes?! #ideafornextsciencefairproject Sadly, I got glutened at dinner (How exactly does one mix up blue cheese with tartar? And, yes, I eat tartar on my boiled shrimp. Do people actually eat cocktail sauce or blue cheese, for that matter? Cocktails, yes. Cocktail sauce, no) so spent the rest of my evening alone back at our room. The worst part was that I missed the damn fireworks – my one and only reason for agreeing to be at WDW on July 4th. I was able to see a few from our balcony at the Grand Floridian but it wasn’t the same. Coty and the girls closed down the park, as per usual. He tagged me in his FB post but y’all know my ass wasn’t there!
The next day was spent at EPCOT, followed by dinner at ‘Ohana (still our fav), then the ‘After Hours’ event at Hollywood Studios. It was another magical day complete with sweat running down my ass-crack. #allpartoftheexperience We closed down DHS for 1 A and were showered and in bed by 2:30 A. Now, normally this isn’t an issue – most people would just sleep until 9 A, and get a later start. Not Coty. He was up for 6:30 A and had the girls to Animal Kingdom, via Lyft, by 7 A to ride ‘Flight of Passage’. I took a hard pass on that one and lounged in my bed – it was almost like a mini vacation. ?
Two times we attempted to ride the boat (the free/included transportation) from the Grand Floridian to MK. Two times we waited for the boat. And, two times the boat arrived and we were told by captain, “sorry, folks; lightening in the area so we are shutting the boats down”. It’s only 10K steps from the boat up to the monorail; so, let’s do that again. Here’s a fun fact: they allowed the swimmers to remain in the pool but no boats on the water. Can someone explain this to me? Maybe they care more about their captain/cast members than their guests?
Our last day was split between AK (for Coty and the girls), followed by MK, and dinner at Artist Point – where we paid adult prices (due to their ages being higher than 10 years) for our little darlings to eat off the kids menu. That is, after all, how we roll. Coty and Meredith got to meet their doppelgänger, Grumpy and I met mine: the Evil Queen.
My favorite part of WDW is still people watching. My Dad taught me at an early age when he’d glue a coin to the floor at Baybrook Mall and then watch to see who would try to pick it up. ? I found myself thinking thoughts like “you wouldn’t wear that in public at home, why wear it here? OR “did you check the mirror before you left your room today?” Sooo many women dressed like they were 50 lbs lighter than they actually were. It’s a family place, ladies; let’s keep it classy! A bit of modesty never hurt anyone. I mean, I get it: I’m sweating, too; but damn! ? #coverthatshitup
Bell hop scheduled our bags for 8 A pick up today so that our things could be crated and sent to the ship. It made for a magical start to our day. We survived and even had time for gluten free waffles before heading out.
And, speaking of bacteria, Team Muehe managed to escape the FL Disney properties fever free. This is HIGHLY unusual for us (think pneumonia and diphtheria/whooping cough). However, do not fret: we are now on the “motorcoach” headed to the ship and surrounded by a bunch of snotty nosed coughers. Is CCISD the only district that teaches the whole “cover your cough” thing? I may lose my shit on one of these little assholes before we get to the ship!
Patch applied (because I get the motion sickness, y’all); about to board. Until next time…