i getta say, y’all

Like all parents, I want my girls to be successful. I want them to be happy; too, but that’s not with this is about. So, it occurred to me as I am watching friends’ children graduate from high school and start their next chapter that I have an opinion (I know, completely out of character for me) about what my girls “grow up” to be, y’all.

First off, get a job that when you name it, people know what you do for a living. Example given: nurse, teacher, pilot, porn star, etc. In my previous life – err – career prior to becoming a realtor, I was a clinical research coordinator. For starters, say that three times fast. When people asked me what I did for a living, I’d say with pride, “I’m a clinical research coordinator”. Those conversations went something like this:

Them – “what do you do for a living?”

Me – “I’m a clinical research coordinator”

Them – “research? Oh, you work in a lab?”

Me – “nope; I work with human patients. We work with pharmaceutical companies to test new medications and vaccines, etc before they go to the FDA for approval and ultimately hit the market for public use and consumption.”

Them – “oh, you’re a nurse.”

Me – “yup, I’m a nurse” <eye-rolling face plant>

Do people not realize that new medications are extensively tested in humans before they’re available to the general public? We used (they still use) fancy terms like “clinical trials”, “double-blind”, and “placebo controlled”. We are the ones that help write the statements that the announcer reads through quickly at the end of a commercial for prescription drugs…”don’t use if you’ve ever had an allergic reaction to blah, blah, blah. #dumbass Known side effects may include but are not limited to diarrhea, constipation, hair loss, headache, bad driving, inability to spell, loss of sleep, and thoughts of homicide”. But, I found that as I would explain this to people, they would glaze over. I *may* have one more than one occasion just said, “I’m a nurse” when people would ask. To this day, my brain automatically types “trial” when I’m trying to type “trail”. So, yeah – get a job that people are familiar with. Trust me, it’ll make life easier. #imastayathomeson

Second, get an education or training for a job that will always be needed and can never be phased out. Now, stop and think of the people you know that had a job and, at some point in their career, they were replaced by a computer or the like. We see this every day. Don’t believe me? Have a look at the checkout lines next time you’re in the grocery. Poor bastards.

Third, have a known career that people respect and value. When there’s a disaster, be the person that can explain the given situation and answer questions. Be a source of knowledge that people look to with confidence to have your wisdom bestowed upon them.

Fourth, get a job that doesn’t require wearing a goddam face covering! I’m working on this entry from the plane and, believe it or not, am being compliant with my mask. [PS – I’m currently taking a break from my Hannibal Lecter face covering and wearing a softer mask that my friend, Erge, made for me; it reads, “Back the Fuck Off!” and “6 Feet, Mother Fucker!”. I have extra appreciation for people that get me!] Because, y’all, wearing a mask sucks. Like, literally – sucks into my face every time I take a breath! I feel for the people that wear this shit even when we’re not in the midst of a pandemic. #myglassesarefoggedup Besides that, my damn facial recognition doesn’t work with a mask on. I’m gonna need Apple to update the iOS. This will continue to be useful and beneficial after the pandemic…you know, like for bank robbers and shit. #imisstheoldthumbprintaccess I have, however, discovered one positive to wearing a mask: it covers my face’s inability to use it’s inside voice. Y’all can’t see me giving my infamous “go fuck yourself look” for the time being!

But, fifth, and MOST important is to get a job that you won’t get fired from even if you fuck up 100% of the time. We’ve all been there. For Coty and I, we’ve been the employee sitting across the desk in HR being informed that “you’re part of the latest ‘reduction in force’”. On the contrary, we’ve both also been the manager delivering that message. I never want either scenario for my girls. I’ve fired and been fired and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Well, actually, there are a couple people that I would wish it upon… #icanmakealist

So, all that being said – err – typed, here’s what I propose: I have encouraged my two to get an applicable degree that would allow them to be a meteorologist. Yes, a meteorologist. Hear me out – err – read below:

1. Tell someone that you’re the local weatherman (in their case, weatherwoman) and people know exactly what you do! Plus, they’re impressed.
2. Your job will never be phased out because someone has to explain the weather predictions and patterns to morons like me! We will always *need* people to go out and stand in a ditch full of water and tell us that the streets are flooded. We *need* people to stand out in hurricane force winds, wearing a yellow slicker, and describe what the see and feel. Otherwise, we’d never know it was windy and rainy out. And, since my girls have a bit of a background in theatre, they’ll do well at this! Thanks, Team Stonebarger.
3. People will call and ask you exactly where that hurricane is headed and what their chances of snow really are (obviously, two separate phone calls. I’m not a complete idiot, y’all). Then, they’ll quote you, all proud, “well, my friend is a weatherwoman and she said blah, blah, blah!” Plus, you could make up a complete load of shit and people will believe what you say and won’t hate you for getting it wrong! They’ll come back for information again and again. I mean, how often do you look at the weather forecast? It’s wrong like 98 percent of the time but you still keeping checking it!
4. Wear your mask during the pandemic but take that shit off before you step in front of the camera. We’re gonna need your facial expressions so that we can truly know how bad it is outside.
5. But, y’all – how many times have you checked the forecast only to have the opposite occur? The forecast this past Sunday was sunny skies all. damn. day. Well, the rainstorm that we got caught in at beach volleyball said otherwise! If you made mistakes like that in any other career, you’d be certain to get the boot for sure!

I had a conversation about colleges and education with a friend recently; we will call her “Kendra” because, um, that’s her name. I was explaining where I want the girls to go and what I want them to major in. She actually had the audacity to say to me, “we have to remember it’s not about us”. Wait. What? Since when? Bitch, please. Getting these two girls into the world was no easy feat. Who paid the fertility doctor and later the maternal fetal medicine specialist, genetics counselor, and obstetrician? Me. Who endured all the therapies, drugs, (plus their wicked side effects – that’s the research coordinator in me), and procedures? Um, me. [for fun, go Google trans-vaginal ultrasound; good times, y’all] Who was humiliated by the lactation consultant? That would be me. (That’s a story for another post). But, lastly, who has the scars to prove it all? Also, me.

So, yeah. I getta say, y’all.