i only travel for y’all, y’all

If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know that I draw the bulk of my inspiration from every day life experiences; however, from the feedback I’ve received, some of my best work has come from my family vacations; which, in my humble opinion, we may take too often. [I do believe that was a complete mother fucking run-on but I’ll deal with that later because #grammarpolice]. With family vacations comes a shit-ton of togetherness. Like, so much togetherness I feel like can’t get away from these people even to use the damn toilet. For Summer 2020, this was no different. So, I’ve decided to be more positive in my outlook (cough, cough) and write an entry about why I love to travel. Here goes…

A list of things that I *love* about travel. Stay with me and be patient. The list is quite long.

Suitcases: black is, in fact, slimming and is not just meant for swimsuits and yoga pants. So, yeah, all of our suitcases are black. I like to blend in. That’s why.

Packing: choosing all of your favorites from the closet, folding them neatly into the suitcase, and closing the zipper without issue. It’s a straight-up brain exercise to calculate the number of panties and pairs of socks you’ll need. Plus, it’s an opportunity to pack a pair of shoes per outfit. Coty loves that.

Airports gift shops: holy fuck! Where else in the world can you find your choice gluten free snacks, a variety of bottled beverages (even if non-alcoholic), every type of candy and gum you can think of, nail files and clippers, condoms, magazines, t-shirts, hoodies, phone chargers, medications, and an assortment of now-required face coverings? It’s better than the GD Walmart!

Flying: the drive to Hilton Head Island, SC, to see Meredith’s little bestie, Alex, would’ve taken 15 hours from LC. Instead, we flew Southwest and were in JAX in two hours and a short rental car ride away. In turn, the 15 hour drive home from Gatlinburg was cut into a two hour rental car ride to Nashville and 2 hour flight from BNA back to HOU. Shout out to the crew on SWA for getting us there and back safely! And, even better: we were early to arrive at JAX and HOU! #thisiswhyiflyswayall

Rental cars: where else can you find such a variety of cars in all shapes, sizes, colors, features, and price? Ford, Volkswagen, GMC/Chevrolet, Hyundai, Kia, Dodge, Nissan. Who doesn’t love options? I mean, it’s like a massive fucking used car lot; just pick the one your want test drive!

Single-ply toilet paper: is this not the best invention ever (right behind sliced GF bread, of course)? I mean, thinning out the toilet paper means consuming less. It makes us all a tad more environmentally conscious. Bloody genius!

Flat sheet used as fitted: the cheap-ass Scot in me is proud of the bastard that thought up this idea! Why spend the extra money on a fitted sheet when you can order flat sheets in bulk and save money? Besides, who the HELL can fold a fitted sheet anyways?

Bar soap: I find that opening a fresh bar of soap and smelling it for the first time to be quite satisfying. Call me weird. And, the logo imprint? Adorbs.

Shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/lotion: OMG! I love these cute ass bottles and appreciate that I don’t have to pack my own. Hell, I always steal any that are leftover at the conclusion of our trip!

In room coffee: thank you, hotel chain, for the free in-room coffee. I appreciate the fact that I don’t need to trek down to the lobby to spend $7 on a cup of Starbucks.

Lack of outlets: I always appreciate the opportunity to teach my girls (and, let’s face it, Coty) a lesson in sharing. “Your phone and your watch are charged; Mommy’s turn” – it’s like being back in elementary school again. Ah, for the good ol’ days…

Hotel provided hairdryer and iron: yes, I’m the weirdo that dries and flat irons my hair Every. Single. Day. even when on vacation. I sooo appreciate the hotel providing a hair dryer so that I don’t have to pack mine. In addition, I’m the type that irons my clothes before I pack them and again when I unpack. I’m certain that my suitcase would be over the approved 50 lb mark if I pack my iron.

Shower curtains: thanks for the privacy, yo. Why didn’t I think to hide in here sooner?

Towels: I love the look of a stack of freshly washed and folded white towels. In a word: yummy.

Hotel room carpet: due to my allergies, we’ve always had hard surface flooring in our master (yes, Houston Association of Realtors – MASTER) bedrooms. I miss the warmth of carpet under my feet first thing in the morning. Having it during vacation was a nice change.

Sharing a toilet/bathroom: another opportunity to teach the girls (and Coty) a lesson in sharing. The girls have learned some important lessons like, “Daddy is gonna steam up the entire hotel room while taking his shower so plan to put on your makeup elsewhere”.

Vanity kit of q-tips and cotton balls: thank goodness they supply these for people like me that forget to pack them!

Eating out: no grocery shopping, no cook (aka Coty) complaining, no customers (Mallory and Meredith) refusing their homecooked meals? Sign. Me. Up. Now, you bitches order what you want but you best eat it sans complaints!

Wearing a mask: I’m safe. You’re safe. We’re all safe from the ‘Rona. So says the CDC and every other post on my FB feed anyways. [do not come for me on this] Plus, did you see the matchy Hannibal Lecter masks that wore as a family? LOL

Now, y’all know me better than all that. So, here’s a list of things that I *hate* about travel. Stay with me and be patient. The list is quite long.

Suitcases: I mean, I like black and all, but shit. This trip, Coty left me at baggage claim and went to get the rental car. It’s a good thing the girls were there because I was about to haul off with bags that weren’t mine! #ineedtartanluggage

Packing: why do I even bother? The shit that I ironed previously looks like it’s been rolled up in a ball and stored in a dresser drawer. I packed black shorts and nothing to wear with them except my black sandals. No worry; I’ll buy something. It was meant to be “cooler” in Tennessee so I packed a pair of jeans and a hoodie. Neither item left my suitcase. And the brain exercise to calculate number of needed pairs of panties and socks? Fail. Good thing there was a washer/dryer at the cabin.

Airports gift shops: I just spent $27 on three bottle of water and a bag of Baked Lay’s. I’m gonna have to sell another house when I get home if we continue at this rate!

Flying: if this mother fucker in front of me tries to lay his seat back any further, he’s gonna be in my lap! WTAF? I’m about to lose my cherub-like demeanor. My ass hurts and my legs are cramping. Who designed these fucking seats and what size was the model they used? #imnotthattall “Please remain in your seat, with your seat belt fastened, when the captain has the seat belt sign illuminated”. No problem! If it will get us there faster and off this plane sooner, I’ll do whatever the captain says!

Rental cars: between Coty and I, we’ve owned forty-one cars (yes, 41) excluding Bradley (Mallory’s MINI Cooper). We like cars and we don’t keep them long. Tags due? Time to trade ‘er in. Needs new tires? Time to trade ‘er in. Killed the battery by human error and by no fault of the car? Time to trade that bitch in. That’s just how we are. Now, give us a car that’s been smoked in with 35K hard miles on it [let’s face it, NO ONE treats a rental with kindness] and you get to deal with a pissed off Karen, err, Coty. But, that’s an entry for a blog post all on it’s own!

Single-ply toilet paper: WTAF? Who is responsible for the idea of rolling tissue paper meant for gift wrapping onto a cardboard cylinder and calling it toilet paper? I don’t care if there’s a shortage; I’m gonna pull on that goddam roll three times as many as if I were home using my Charmin! However, triple-ply TP made from single ply TP ain’t the same as my Charmin…

Flat sheet used as fitted: This restless sleeper is annoyed af at sheets that can’t stay put. Don’t be so cheap and lazy. Spend the money. Get the fitted sheets. Oh, and who can fold a fitted sheet? Um, me. I can fold a fitted sheet. #memumtaughtme

Bar soap: Do people really use bar soap outside of a hotel stay? That shit gets stuck in my rings and under my nails. I’m not a fan – cute imprinted logo or not. And, as my girls discovered the hard way this trip, bar soap is not always self cleaning. Did you ever see the episode of  ‘Friends’ where Joey reminds Chandler what he (Joey) washes last and what Chandler washes first? Yeah, that.

Shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/lotion: Whose genius idea was it to use tiny bottles with tiny caps? What an adventure to try to remove the cap from a wet bottle with wet hands! Plus, my decrepit, arthritic hands don’t have the strength to squeeze the product out of the bottle. This trip, I managed to nearly empty a full bottle of shower gel in one fail-swoop. PS – it missed the washrag.

In room coffee: There is sludge in my cup. Like actual put-hair-on-your-chest sludge. You can claim that the coffee grounds are manufactured by Starbucks but I call ‘bullshit’. Off to the lobby we go…and, by “we”, I mean Coty. That was their plan all along, wasn’t it? #sucker

Lack of plugs: would it kill the assholes that build hotels to add an outlet to each side of the GD bed? I’ve seen these cute hacks about how to tuck your phone into a bed sheet or to use your suitcase as an additional night stand. No need. Instead, yes, please, let me charge my phone on the complete opposite side of the room. Makes perfect fucking sense.

Hotel provided hairdryer and iron: It’s a damn good thing that my hair is short and thin. Otherwise, I’d still be in the hotel room trying to dry my hair. They must get those hairdryers on a discount because they don’t work with a shit. And, am I the only one that has a shirt that was stained by a hotel iron? How do they always manage to spit out iron water droplets on my white shirts?

Shower curtains: Um, no. Just no. There is no way in HELL that these things are clean and sanitary – even when we aren’t in the midst of a pandemic!

Towels: First of all, in a room for four people, we are gonna need more than four towels. I have two girls with long hair. They use two towels each per shower. And, while we are on the subject, let’s talk about the size of the towels. I’m guessing that the model they used to design an airline seat is the same model they used to determine towel size? Shout out to the big girls that feel my pain on this one!

Hotel room carpet: have you ever considered the number of bare feet that have come in contact with hotel room carpet and level of funk growing in it? Think about it next time you stay in a hotel. I bet you’ll keep a pair of flip-flops next to your bed just like I do. You’re welcome. #germaphobefromwayback

Sharing a toilet/bathroom: why does this room like it is getting smaller by the second? Like, let me the HELL up outta here already. Two queen beds? Yeah, Coty – I’m gonna need you to scoot your ass clear over to the other side. Um, who is snoring? Do you want to die? Why don’t hotel rooms have ceiling fans? I need my white noise. Why are the guests in the room next to me up at 6 AM? Are you people not on vacation? Stop talking. Stop laughing. STFU. I’m trying to sleep! We have five toilets for four people in our house at home. How did I think we could survive here with one fucking toilet?

Vanity kit of q-tips and cotton ball: seriously? Is this the best y’all can do? I also forgot to pack dental floss, a sewing kit, my shaving creme, some hair products, and the winning lottery numbers. Apparently, these people don’t have a full appreciation for my level of vanity. I mean, I am a blogger *and* a realtor, y’all.

Eating out: Lawd! Enough already. “Do you have a gluten free menu? Oh, you offer a burger without a bun or a dry salad. How very accommodating of you”. I’m ready to be back home to hear Coty bitching at the stove/grill and the girls refusing to eat whatever he cooks. At least, at home, it’s *safe* to eat. PS – did you know that the peanuts on Southwest Airlines have gluten in them? FML.

Wearing a mask: Not only are my glasses fogged up but my face is sweating and breaking out like a GD teenager plus the back of my ears of chafed. Fuck this shit. #overitalready