In the words of the great Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire, “brace yourself, Effie”. This is a long post.
We arrived at the ship without issue on Sunday; and, I managed to not kill anyone. Disney really does do the check-in process better than others so we were onboard the ship in record time and far earlier than our scheduled check-in time. (But, can we all agree that I’m more of the type to focus on the negative aspects?) “Now joining us, the Muehe Family”. Yay. <enter jazz hands and eye roll emojis here. And, is there an emoji for “where’s the closest bar because I’m surrounded by overly perky people and I may hurt one of them soon”?> True story: there’s a bar just across from where you embark. Apparently, I’m not alone in my way of thinking. “Bartender? Pick me next!” ??♀️ (For those that have never cruised, “embark” is a fancy term for “get on”. I’ll never understand why they have fancy terms on cruises, but they do. Never in my life have I used the words “embark” and “disembark” other than when on a cruise ship. You “get on” (or board) a plane and “get in” a car. Why must you “embark” a ship? It’s like calling the back of the ship an “aft”. WTF? It’s the back. Let’s just clear the confusion and use everyday English words, people).
We grabbed lunch and checked out our “stateroom” (fancy term meaning “freakishly small floating hotel room that you’re overcharged for”). Our stateroom included a “veranda” (fancy term meaning “tiny balcony for those with motion sickness that need to get fresh air”). At 4:30 P, cruise activities cease in order to get all passengers to their muster station (you know, the place you meet if the ship has a Titanic-like episode so that you can all prepare to decide if your Jack is worthy of sharing space with you, Rose). All passengers literally cram (think WDW on July 4th) onto the deck of the fourth floor and stand in groups with their families – shortest to tallest. Sadly, our family order has changed and I’m now wedged between Meredith and Mallory. #iamnotshort If the weather had been a tad cooler or if there had been a breeze to diffuse the smell of unbathed travelers (French baths do not count), perhaps I would not have lost my cherub-like demeanor; or maybe it was just the close proximity of smelly people I had never met before and never want to meet again? But, when that one family (y’all know the ones) decides to come rolling out to join the rest us and they are ten minutes late, I have a hard time holding my tongue. “Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to join us, asshats. Where in the Hell have y’all been? Did you NOT notice that you were the only effin people on the ship that weren’t on Deck 4?!” #selfcenteredmuch We are all trained in how to don a life preserver and what signals to listen for from the captain. Ruptured eardrums are all part of the experience. One of the “team leaders” marches back and forth in front of the lines of families like Hitler in an orange life preserver making sure that we are all paying attention to the safety instructions. Now, y’all, I’m in a very long term relationship with my iPhone. I’ve owned one since the very beginning and we are attached at the hip – err – wrist (Coty lovingly refers to my phone as my boyfriend). However, when in a situation where you are asked to put your phone away and pay attention, I will follow the rules. [slides phone into back pocket]. Well, here comes Hitler. He stops in front of Meredith and looks my way with an “ahem”. To which I respond with an “I beg your pardon?” look. The second time it’s a louder “ahem” and now I respond with a “bitch, please – my boyfriend is in my back pocket” look. I was just about to open my mouth when I turn and discover that it is my DH being *that guy* on his phone!
If you are considering a cruise, do your research. Here is my list of pros and cons to cruising.
Pros:
24 hour access to food including all you can eat french fries ? ?
Cons:
24 hour access to food including all you can eat french fries ? ?
More pros:
Excursions
More cons:
Excursions
I don’t believe I need to explain why 24 hour access to food can be a pro *and* a con but will explain my thoughts on excursions.
First off, let’s call an excursion what it is: an expensive day off the ship (following disembarkation ?). Our first day at port was at Disney’s private island, Castaway Cay (pronounced “key” but you know, fancy terms). It was a bust as weather was uncooperative. No worries, y’all. We went back two days later. More on that soon. Day two at port took years off my life. Girls were given the option on excursions and chose to swim with dolphins in Nassau. We did this years ago in Grand Cayman so I opted to take the whole $5 discount offered to “nonparticipants” and tag along to take pictures and videos. Since the girls are under the age of 18, an adult needed to be present and actually in the water with them. Mind you, our girls can out-swim us with an arm tied behind their back (I shit you not) but whatevs; Coty took one for the team and signed on as a participant. Once on site, we realized that Coty had left his wedding band on. Now, before I go any further, ask me where my wedding band was. For those that guessed “in the safe on the ship” you are correct. If you have known Coty and I for a while, you know that we were both overweight (or, in my case, more overweight than I am now). After we lost weight, our wedding bands needed to be sized down. Now, ask me who has taken care of this and who hasn’t. (It’s been years, y’all). If you guessed “Susan has and Coty hasn’t” you are correct again. And, to make matters worse, Coty wears a Russian style (aka triple rolling) wedding ring – three interlocking rings (signifying our past, present, and future) that roll against themselves when you put on or take off the ring. To understand why I mention this, keep reading. The set is too big for Coty’s ring finger and way too big for my thumb. But, “no biggie, sweetheart; I’ll wear your ring while you’re in the water”. Team Muehe (minus mama) enters the water and proceed to hug, kiss, and swim with the dolphins. I stand nearby on the deck taking pictures and video which I promise to post later. Between a switch from picture to video settings on my phone, Coty’s ring rolls off my thumb and bounces onto the deck. Twice. And then, as if in slow motion, slips perfectly between two slats of wood and falls into the water below. It was like a scene from a bad movie where I yelled “nooooo” while falling to my knees in attempt to reach a ring that was clearly gone forever, like the signed by Babe Ruth baseball in the movie, ‘Sandlot’. My heart stopped. A band that Coty’s worn for the last 20 years – gone. Our past, present, and future – gone. I don’t normally cry, y’all but I welled up instantly. Fortunately, an employee caught on to my distress and asked what happened. I explained and he replied in island fashion “no worries, mon” and went into action. Within ten island minutes (think half an hour in the real world), he had a SCUBA diver headed our way. And, just like that, Coty’s ring was back in my hand! [Looking back, the vision of me on my knees peering through the slats of wood on the deck with one eye must have been comical for the bystanders]. Note to self: schedule Coty’s damn ring for sizing.
Our final port stop was back at Disney’s Castaway Key – err – Cay. Without asking for my input, Coty rented jet skis. [This portion of my post is dedicated to all of my friends that are working towards their teen getting a driver’s permit/license and those that have recently achieved such goals]. Picture it: two jet skis for a family of four. Can y’all guess how this played out? If you guessed that Meredith went with Coty and Mallory with me, you’re on a roll! Here’s when the fun begins: Mallory, as a licensed driver, could operate the jet ski; however, must have an adult onboard since she’s under the age of 18. Now, I have ridden shotgun many, many times with Mallory while she was learning to drive; and, I’m a firm believer in, and avid user of, the “oh shit” handle. [I’m convinced that it was the mother of a 15 year old working towards their driving permit that invented that thing and you’ll never make me believe otherwise!] It took her a few minutes to get the hang of it but soon we were speeding through the water, leaning left and right (me doing the opposite of the jet ski), and jumping wakes. The entire time, Mallory is yelling “woohoo” with each wake jumped and me yelling “slow the fuck down, kid”. There are no “oh shit” handles on a jet ski. I had visions of my fatass flying off the back and taking Mallory down with me (after all, she was the only thing I could hold onto) and even scarier visions of me trying to get my fatass back onto the jet ski in that instance. Speaking of taking years off of my life… Fortunately, we survived and I was able to spend the rest of my afternoon in a shaded lounger, drink in hand, people watching. My heart rate normalized approximately two drinks – err – hours later. ** At this point in my post, I offer unsolicited advice: if you do not look like my boy, Michael Phelps, for the love of all things good and holy, leave the Speedo at home! And, if your bikini bottoms are designed to look like a g-string, find some that aren’t. Again, people: this is a family friendly cruise. Good lawd! #coverthatshitup #cottagecheeseshouldbeservedwithfruitnotswimwear
Some of you saw Coty’s post about our last day in the Florida heat being spent at Disney Springs. If you haven’t already, find John Pinette’s stand-up set about Disney on YouTube. The bit about “taking the fat guy out to walk him” at Disney in August (in my case, July) is a far better description of our family vacation. And, PS, the amphibious cars were NEVER my idea of a good time.
I leave you with a few final thoughts:
MCO, get your shit together. Never ever should there be wait times posted to get through security. #thisaintdisneybitch
Florida, your drinking water tastes like it came from the bathroom faucet. Zephyrhills water isn’t worth the plastic it’s bottled in. #bottledwatersnob #ozarkagirl
I have friends that book travel specifically for Disney properties (I blame you for nothing, Leigh, and will still recommend your services ??). I remember once having the thought that I could do that, too. I mean, after all, I’ve been on three Disney cruises, been to WDW 10 (yes, 10 fucking) times, plus Disneyland in CA and Disneyland Paris. I’m very well versed in all the Disney lingo, their FastPass systems, and their dining plans; plus, I’ve stayed at multiple resort properties – from value, to moderate, to deluxe. But, honestly, y’all: can you imagine *me* trying to convince someone that Disney is where they wanna spend their hard earned money for a summer vacation?! Bahahaha. I hope they never see my posts! The thought of it now makes me literally laugh out loud. Something tells me that this would NOT be a good career move for me…
I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t like to travel. (We already concluded that I don’t like people). I’m lazy and I like to stay home. I hate packing, living out of a suitcase, and then unpacking. I will, however, continue to travel and post accordingly. I’d never take that away from y’all… ? #sistersinsarcasmunite